I. To begin with…

Death notification creates the maximum amount of stress on a person:

• Impact
• Recoil
• Recovery

Grief is the pain of loss, Mourning is the pain of healing – this is the place where we want to take them…

For the recipients of the news, the Chaplain is the "grim reaper". But as a Chaplain, you are also the presence of Jesus Christ, and thus you bring with you all that He is and everything that they need.

II. Procedure:

• Primary notifiee: (1) spouse; (2) closest blood relative
• Plan on spending several hours.
• Wear your uniform.
• Obtain the correct and most complete official information on the victim and their family.
• Avoid making any primary notifications by phone.
• DO NOT take any of the victim's personal items with you.
• Take your own vehicle.
• Do not park in front of the house.
• Make SURE all your information is correct: double check everything, confirm information with the officer, formulate a plan of action [depending on what you know of this person, actions could include finding and calling their pastor or a local church member to arrive there with you, etc.].
• Try to determine in advance the health of the person being notified [ask neighbors for info or even to assist you, etc.]. Take appropriate measures.
• Knock and Have the officer introduce themselves and then you. At this point, make a quick assessment of the situation. [If you are making a notification in the middle of the night ALONE, hold out your badge and ID with your flashlight shining on it. You may also want to call a person from your cell phone (or have dispatch call them) and wake them to have them come to the door and turn on the lights.]
• Identify who you are talking to [DO NOT notify anyone but the primary person to be notified].
• BE DIRECTIVE, NOT SUGGESTIVE: "We need to come in," "You need to sit down."
• Ask them if there is anyone else in the house and have them join you.
• Have them sit in a low chair or sofa in a soft, quiet room.

Special circumstances:

• At work: Talk to their boss and have him secure a private room [where you will wait]. Have the boss go and get the person. He is to say nothing except that there are some people here waiting with some important information for them.
• At someone else's home: Speak to the host/owner first and have him quickly make arrangements for some privacy in a soft room; have [at least] the host join you when you notify them.
• At the hospital: Make the notification in a private waiting room.
• Get right to the point – they already know something terrible has happened.
• Confirm with survivors: relation to survivor(s), full name of victim, DOB, birthplace.
• Use plain language: "Mr./Mrs. Brown, do you have a son named Robert? Is his birthdate 7/16/88 ? I'm here to inform you that he has been involved in a car accident and has been killed." [Avoid compromising cliches: "fatally injured," "Mortally wounded"].
• Other lines: life saving efforts, selected known details…
• Expect ANY kind of reaction. Watch for potentially dangerous reactions (other reactions: getting busy; some people will want to call a LOT of friends/family – let them – this can be very cathartic, but use wisdom [also be sure the person on the other end is in good health]etc.)
• [At this point, the officer may be free to leave]

Decision making…

• Answer any questions only according to the known facts: do not attempt to speculate or give an opinion – it will probably be wrong and cause more grief.
• Get a support system in place: Grief shared is grief released.
• Ask if they have a priest/pastor/church family you could call for them [A good pastor will let you off the hook quickly].
• Arrange to have their family come over if possible. If the person lives alone, arrange for someone to stay with them if possible.
• Give necessary information to the appropriate person [where the body was taken, contacting a funeral home, autopsy, interviews].
• Discuss organ donations [when practical].
• What to do if the ask, "Can we view the body?"…
• Closure and recovery begins with use of "past tense"
• Encourage pre-event behavior: it's not disrespectful to the decedent.
• Give business card, CIS flyer, and any other Grief or support group literature.
• They will get through it, but never get over it – and that's OK. People die, but love never does.
• We are there to provide faith: the facts are cruel, faith is healing. As strangers, we cannot give sympathy, but we can be a wealth of compassion and selfless service.
• Follow-up: Memorial service, funeral, anniversaries, occasional call just to talk, etc.

III. Special circumstances:

• Multiple deaths in a single family
• Presumed dead: body unidentifiable w/o ID, but can be presumed from witnesses, circumstances, contents of pockets, keys, etc. Ask the family to help verify, i.e., tattoos, scars, dental records, etc.
• Phone notifications: Ask for and get the primary, then ask if there's anyone else with them and have them get that person to be with them before you give them the news. If they are alone, have them go and get their neighbor, etc.
• Suicide Notifications
• Help the survivors understand that they are NOT GUILTY.
• There is no "why" – notes are not explanations, they are messages.
• Suicide is the ultimate selfish act: the ultimate rejection of others, of help, of love, of us.
• Suicide is not a destiny, it is a choice, and the survivors did not make that choice for them.
• Suicide survivors have a lot of anger due to the fact that there is no explanation, and as long as they are angry, there is no grieving.
• Suicide is embarrassing to the survivors. "It's not your fault," is what they must learn to accept, and they will believe a chaplain.
• Use the word "suicide" along with the person's name – it can stave off denial.
• Defuse them – they will feel more in control, which they feel they have lost.
• Let them know that recovery takes time, but not forever.
• Regarding the issue of suicide and "heaven or hell," we are hope givers, but we are not false hope givers.
• If they don't have the Lord to help them, then we have to point them to the Lord Who CAN help them…

 
Some wise words:
"If you can't improve on silence, don't."
"Treat each DN like it's your first."